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Asexual Christian

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UPDATE: I no longer identify as completely asexual because I've determined that my asexual feelings were the result of childhood conditions that smashed my self-esteem, coupled with confusion over very unhealthy ideas of sex that were pushed on me in my parents' church. After years of thinking on my own, I've realized I'm demisexual. It's on the asexuality spectrum: it means I don't experience sexual attraction to anyone unless I form an emotional bond with them.
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I am an demisexual Christian. This means that I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone unless I form an emotional bond first. Please note that this is different from being a woman who simply has self-control. I don't feel the need to control myself around attractive strangers, because I don't find them attractive. I can tell they are aesthetically pleasing, but I feel nothing beyond that point.

Asexuality is not a mental disorder or a hormonal imbalance. We just don't see people as sexual objects. So what? I can still love and be loved. I just don't use the words "love" and "sex" synonymously. I understand if you can't understand that, but don't try to change us to be like you.




What is asexuality?


First of all: yes, we exist. I've heard all kinds of outrageous "reasons" for why "asexuality doesn't exist," from "everyone wants sex and anyone who doesn't is just kidding themselves," all the way to "asexuals are just too ugly to find sexual partners." 

General asexuality is defined as is a lack of sexual attraction and/or a lack of desire for sex.
There are a number of reasons this could be the case, but at the bare bones, that’s what asexuality is. General asexuals aren't enthralled with the idea of sex. Some asexuals find it repugnant in all circumstances, some enjoy watching other people do it (I’m NOT advocating pornography! I’m just saying what some asexuals do), some find pleasure in making their spouse happy even though they personally don’t have any real desire for it, and some actually do find pleasure in sex, but only once a deep emotional bond has been formed. The last form of asexuality where I fall. I believe a lot of people fall under this category but maybe haven’t really thought about it. I can tell when someone is aesthetically pleasing, but there’s nothing sexual about the way I view people of either gender. I don’t desire sex without a deep emotional connection, and therefore I believe I am asexual.

Asexuality here is not the same thing as biological asexuality.
I think this is obvious, but I’ve come across enough people who get confused or even upset that ace people use a term that’s also applied to organisms that can reproduce by themselves. Obviously humans don’t reproduce that way, and no one is trying to imply otherwise. “Asexual” is a homonym, a word that can have multiple meanings. In this case, I’m referring to a human sexuality, or more specifically, a lack of sexuality.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Simply put, it's characterized by a lack of sexual attraction/desire. It can range anywhere from someone finding anything to do with sex utterly repulsive to someone actually enjoying sex if a deep emotional bond is formed. The latter part of the spectrum is still part of the spectrum because the person doesn’t feel sexually attracted to other people, even though they enjoy sex with that one special person. Sexual control is feeling an innate pull for physical intimacy with others and saying no. Asexuality is having no involuntary, innate pull for sexual intimacy to control.

I am straight demisexual. This means that I am romantically attracted to men, but don't have sexual interest until I've formed an emotional bond. Essentially, I have to appreciate their personality before I can appreciate their body. It would take a lot for me to want to make out with someone. In order for me to be at all comfortable with or enjoy sex, I’d need to deeply and powerfully love a man. I personally believe this is a very healthy place to be. I don’t see men as objects, but I also believe I could give my husband a sexually-fulfilling marriage. 

Again: Sexual control is feeling an involuntary pull for intercourse with another person and saying no. Asexuality is having no involuntary pull for sexual intimacy in the first place.





Does asexuality go against God's commands?


NOGod does NOT command anyone, married or unmarried, to have sex. To force a person to have sex when they don't want it is the definition of rape, and God does NOT support rape.  If there were ever decisions in marriage that need to be highly collaborative, they are decisions about when it is wise to have sex. Wives bear the results of contraceptive and reproductive decisions in their bodies in a way that husbands do not. The husband therefore has the responsibility to hear, receive and weigh his wife’s thoughts with love and compassion. To command or coerce anyone, within or without a marriage relationship, to have sex, is the definition of rape.

From www.gotquestions.org/Bible-ase…:
"So, is it wrong for a person to have no desire to get married [or in my case, no desire for sex]? According to 1 Corinthians 7, no, it most definitely is not wrong. Remaining single can be a very good thing, as it can free a person to have more time to serve God. Remaining single, though, does not necessarily indicate asexuality, that is, a lack of desire for the opposite sex. The gift of singleness mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7 is the ability to be content without marriage, not necessarily lacking any and all desire for marriage. If one has no desire for marriage/sex, and is confident that this is of the Lord, he/she should use the time of singleness for wholehearted service in God’s kingdom. It would not be wrong, though, to seek medical consultation, to ensure that the asexuality is not due to some sort of hormonal imbalance [which is exactly what I did.]"

The Bible is very clear on what God desires when it comes to sex. Let's read it for ourselves:

1 Corinthians 5 : 7-9 New International Version (NIV)

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-controlI say this as a concession, NOT AS A COMMANDI wish that all of you were as I am [Paul was single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

This verse is quite explicit and hard to misunderstand. God provides marriage as a place for sex, but sex is not a requirement for marriage. Obviously God does not consider sex a sin in marriage, otherwise the human race would die off. That is why God has provided marriage: it's a place where people can have sex and children with God's blessing.

I'm not trying to be rude here, but when we really take the time to understand what this verse is saying, it's actually saying that people should not marry for sex unless they cannot control themselves. That is literally what the verses say: "if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." It even begins with "it's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, BUT since sexual immorality is occurring, here's an outlet for those drives."

Because marriage is partly meant to be an outlet for sex drives, spouses shouldn't constantly withhold sex from each other, even if one is asexual. Obviously both need to discuss their sexualities and sex drives BEFORE they get married so that one spouse isn't constantly raped or so that one spouse is constantly going crazy from sexual frustration. Again, MUTUAL CONSENT is key. It would be extremely unwise for an asexual to marry a very sexual person.

Because we asexuals are so different from the majority of the population, we need to be extra careful about who we marry, and yes, if we do marry a non-asexual, we're going to have to give a little. However, if both spouses agree that they don't want sex, or if the non-asexual spouse agrees to give their asexual spouse some space, they are not disobeying God in any way. God gives sex as a gift, not a command.

(Read more about rape and the Bible here: the-cynical-unicorn.deviantart…)

You might be thinking "what about the be fruitful and multiply verse?" The truth about that verse is that they were aimed at a specific group of people during a specific time after two specific events: Creation and the Flood. There were only two humans on the entire planet, and in the latter there were only eight. They are there for historical reference. They are NOT a command for us today. If you want to take every verse in the Bible as a command to every Christian today, then you'll have to cut bacon out of your diet, wear only certain types of cloth, kill gays and witches, etc. The Old Testament contains three types of laws: ceremonial, civil, and moral. Ceremonial laws refer to things such as sacrifices, the Temple, etc. Civil laws refer to situations such as if I accidentally kill your ox, what I should do about it. Moral laws flow out of the character of God, never went away, and refer to issues of the soul. “Be fruitful and multiply” falls under none of these categories because it’s not a law. Paul also said that he wished everyone could stay single and NOT multiply, so are you implying that Paul was contradicting and fighting against God?





I am not "unhealthy," "sheltered," "deprived," or "ignorant about sex."


I am not just a woman with hormonal imbalances. I am perfectly healthy the way I am. I even went to an OB/GYN to have myself tested for abnormal sensitivities and/or hormonal imbalances, and I checked out. There is nothing physically wrong with me that anyone knows of. This is the way God made me. I am not broken or unhealthy. Not needing to worry about STDs and unwanted pregnancies is anything but unhealthy.

I have not been "sheltered" or "deprived" from sex or taught that sex is evil. I know how everything works. I’ve even been indoctrinated that sex is a mystical experience from God. I don’t believe it’s mystical, however I do believe it’s a gift from God.

As one of my friends said:
"I think there's a lot of value in having a perspective that is different than most people. For example, somehow most people seem to be completely unaware of the constant and relentless push to find a partner and have sex. Even as a small child, I'd see kids paired off into romantic situations with each other in children's movies. The songs would overwhelmingly be about romantic relationships with a gear toward physical intimacy. Movie posters would be strong men and barely dressed women. By middle school, adults would constantly ask who kids are dating and, if they said no one, they were told they'd "find someone soon." By high school, being a virgin was frowned upon. If you're not married or at least dating by your twenties, many people will actually think something's wrong with you. And, although Christians should know better, they quote "be fruitful and multiply" to say we're somehow required to breed children, completely ignoring the fact that's only said at two historical points, after creation and after the flood. Yet somehow, with all the incredibly obvious social pressures, very few people notice. Those who do see it for what it is are able to observe and start questioning things. That may be why people with an outside perspective seem more mature to me."








Won't asexuals want sex when they find the right person? / Are they just "not ready" for sex?


That's what the sexualized world says, but it's not always true. Asexuality is not something that needs to be fought and overcome. It's the way God made us, and it does NOT violate His commands.  I'm so sick of all the societal conventions that say you must have sex, that you must have biological kids, etc. They're extremely harmful. No good comes of them: not to society, not to people individually, nor to the planet.

I know what love is. I can develop sexual interest as long as there's a bond first, but some asexuals never will, and that’s their business. That’s between them and whoever they may be romantically interested in, if they’re interested in anyone, which many asexuals aren’t, and that’s fine too!

Asexuals do not just "need a good lay." That’s borderline rape, so let’s not even go there.

In the words of one of my friends:
"While I'm not asexual myself, even I know our society is way too obsessed with sex and procreation. I have constantly heard people say the purpose of marriage is solely for sex and procreation and they've all been Christians. Then the non-Christians think that when I say my soulmate and I love each other, that means we're having sex. I was very horny as an early teen, but I grew up and sometimes I feel like others didn't. And to call someone who is asexual immature just seems laughable to me. So thank you for being brave enough not just to be yourself but to dare to say there's more to life than sex. There's love, and it doesn't have to be about sex."





Are you just afraid of being pregnant?


I am physically tiny and thus pregnancy will hit me very hard and I may not be able to deliver naturally, so yes, it does concern me, but not to the point of affecting my sexual interests. I actually want to have a child. One of my biggest struggles is that between my anxiety and my autism, raising children will be especially challenging for me, and that actually makes me very sad. I would also love to adopt, but I also know that my ability to handle emotional trauma in a child would be very limited, hence why I haven't had kids or adopted kids. I support adoption because it is the right thing to do:
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I personally believe that couples should have one or two of their own if they want, and then adopt all others. If I ever raise children, that's what I plan to do, although you never know if things will work out exactly that way.








So, does this mean you're LGBT+?


Technically, if I identify as asexual, yes, I qualify. However, I choose not to identify with LGBT because of how they frequently behave. Many of them are never satisfied. They always want more. They don't want to be "tolerated" or "accepted," they want full-on active support everywhere they turn, and anything less than sexuality-worship is labeled as a "phobia." I've also noticed a lot of victim complexes amongst them and some of the things they demand are downright absurd and sometimes dangerous. A huge number of them are also bigoted against me because I'm a Christian, and it should be pretty obvious why I don't want to draw support from people who hate me. Obviously, not all LGBT people are like that (it would be a pretty big generalization there), but enough of them are that I don't want that baggage associated with me.






What's the typical Christian response to asexuality?


Christians typically have three main responses to asexuality: Brokenness, sin, or no opinion. The most common is the belief that asexuals aren't in sin, but they're suffering the effects of sin (the majority of humans are sexual, and since asexuals are a minority, therefore we must be broken.) The next most common is the idea that asexuals are sinning because they believe good Christians get married and that God commands sex in marriage (forgetting that Paul and Jesus both praise singleness and that Paul specifically says sex in marriage is not a command.) Then there are also a huge number of Christians who couldn't care less about another Christian's sex life, provided they're within a Biblical framework.

Brokenness: I have run across Christian counselors who believe asexuality is a result of trauma, be it physical, emotional, or sexual. I think they’re actually correct in many cases. Asexuals are very rare, so it’s hard to do studies on us, but it is true that trauma or abuse can affect sexuality, and it is true that many asexuals (especially women) have had some sort of trauma or abuse in their past which can lead to a deadening of sexual desire that may never change. Unlike these counselors, I don’t believe that’s how every case of asexuality happens, but it is an interesting theory. However, it’s important to remember that these counselors do not believe asexulity is a sin. They see it as a symptom of abuse or trauma that a person needs help working through. They’re not trying to “fix” asexuals, they want to help heal the hurt that may be behind it. If in healing the person loses their asexuality, then that’s how God wants them to be. If they remain asexual, then I believe that’s how God wants them to be (I don't know how the counselors would view such a situation, however.) I personally think it's a huge assumption of these Christians to believe that asexuals aren't meant to be the way they are, but they're not condemning or hurting us, so I'll accept their differing opinion. I think that with time, they'll come around and see that just because something is different from the norm doesn't make it broken.

Sin: The only time I've personally ever known Christians to get uptight about general asexuality is when marriage is involved, and that's always because they've misunderstood the verses above. However, once they understand that God gives sex as a gift and that it must be consensual even in marriage, they're usually pretty comfortable with idea of asexuals marrying, as long as both the husband and wife thoroughly understand and have agreed to each other's desires (or lack of them.) Of course, there are always the fundie Christians who will believe that God commands spouses to have sex, but there's no talking reason to people like that. Even when you take a Bible and hold it in front of them for them to read, they'll just tell you you're taking the verses out of context.








What's the typical non-Christian response to asexuality?


That really depends on the person. In my experience, non-Christians are much more likely to bully, harass, or otherwise abuse asexuals than Christians are. Christians often misunderstand asexuality, but they don't usually try to hurt asexuals. Non-Christians are usually the people who make claims like "they're just deprived of sex," or "they just need a good lay." I think this is largely because of how hyper-sexualized the world has become. To someone who has been soaking in a “sexy" atmosphere for years, the idea that someone doesn't want sex is alien to them. They automatically think something is wrong with that person and that they need to be fixed.

A lot of non-Christians don't want to hurt asexuals, but they view asexuality as something that needs to be overcome or fixed. I've seen several stories and fanfictions with asexual characters and asexual OCs where the asexual becomes sexual by the end of the story. The message I get from those stories is: "They loved each other so much they got over their asexuality!" I hate to tell you, but real life generally doesn't work that way. Asexuals often have sex to please their spouses, and like me, many enjoy it if there's a bond there, but we hardly ever "get over" being asexual. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Neither result is better than the other.




Frankly, I don't want to be anything other than demisexual. I'm very happy knowing that I have a sex drive, but also that I don't really struggle with lusting after people. The only person I'm interested in is my boyfriend, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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